Missing you

I still remember the first time we met, it was our first mathematic class since I registered as a student in that institution. Everything was very new to me, in fact it wouldn’t be wrong to say that I was a bit lost in that morning. Being 2 weeks later than the rest, I truly felt like a complete stranger as everyone had known each other at this stage. I can’t help but feeling pretty much an outsider on that day. Things weren’t looking well to begin with and it got worse when I unknowingly sat in the last row in the class. When the class started I realized that this time around I really do need glasses, which so far back then I’ve been living in denial for I could see despite my worsening shortsightedness. I didn’t see jack what had written on the board so I did what I did best – daydreaming. After the class, I felt like an idiot as I got nothing written on my notebook, in another word I didn’t learn anything at all in that past 2 hours. I was still sitting on that seat in the last row in that stuffy old classroom, pondering about what was I suppose to do, thinking about asking anyone in there if I could borrow their notes. At that moment, this girl, that was you who sat right in front of me, turned around and looked at me. I looked back at you while no one said anything, should I say something, I asked myself. Then I heard “ tak nampak kan? Nak pinjam note?” coming from you. That moment I realized that prayers do get answered, you were like a godsend for my visually challenged self on that day. I said yes and took on your offer. I was so grateful for your kind help on that day and honestly still am till this day as it was the beginning of our beautiful friendship. ​

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That was back in middle of new millennium, the chaotic Y2K era when no one knew what smartphone were and whatsapps or facebook weren’t even born yet, in fact no one knew the word “apps” yet. Those were the simpler yet important time. You were such a lively person, that everyone loved to hang out with. You cheerful personality and very forthcoming nature were infectious, that made everyone seek for you when they were in need for some dose of happiness. It was effortless for you to do that and it was no wonder why you were well known in that college. ​You were always the life of every party.

​To you I confided in my deepest feelings and secrets, while we were college mates. When some have fallen off my friendship radar after we left the college, you were the few that stuck with me, in fact we got much closer that I felt like you were my own family. You considered me as one of your confidantes and I truly felt honoured to be that in your life. We helped each other through our bad times, we were there for each other whenever there were emotional turmoil struck. We held each other and we listened to each other these past years.

A lot had happened since that first moment we got to know each other and throughout those years, the one thing I regret the most was that time when we lost each other. Something had happened along the way that our friendship had become the collateral damage. We stopped talking to each other and we abandoned this sacred bond we had. You got married and I wasn’t even there. It was dark time for our friendship. We were like complete strangers and unknowingly we had committed this crime of neglecting each other. I had to say it that in those 4 years, I would be lying if I didn’t’ think of you, every now and then your name or face popped up out of nowhere. As I said you were infectious, which was impossible to completely get rid of, it has engraved in me though I must’ve been very stubborn to even acknowledge it then. There were times I wonder what was going on in your life but I was too embarrassed to pick up the phone and text you, let alone to call you, this was something I could never forgive myself for. There were times when I lamented over our fallout but I was too dumb and weak to get over it and amend the friendship, and for this it will forever stained my heart with the pain of it ever happened.

​Then miracle happened, I was added into our college batch facebook group. I saw you were there, on my laptop screen but I was hesitant to initiate chat with you, there was this conflict between my ego and my conscience on what should I do about this. As much as I wanted to say hi and fix our friendship back to where it was, there were still some anger and hostility in me that cost our friendship to begin with. While this war was raging in my head, a window popped up with your name on it. You said hi and with that it broke the curse. I was like free from a bad spell and this emotion drought suddenly went away. We talked, voiceless at first by means of letters and emojis on our keyboards. Then we went to the next level, I called you and we really “talked” this time around. We talked indeed. We spent 4 hours talking that night, we stripped ourselves from any emotional barriers and we really talked from the deep of our hearts. We made amends and we took the first step to heal our friendship, we forgave each other.

​Things went slowly but surely in the right direction, we constantly in contact, thanked to our digital technology all of us are pretty much tied up to each other, communication wise. We met for the first time in 4 years in August 2016 for a reunion karaoke. How I missed seeing you in person. Although we always at each other’s ends on our mobile phones, it was never the same as seeing each other in the flesh. You were still the same in every way. I was glad that you were back in my life.

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Then on the 24th of July recently, in the hot afternoon I saw your name calling me on my phone. I quickly answered it. You were in pain calling from Ampang Hospital at the Emergency Department. Waiting to be seen, you were looking for some kind of comfort by calling me. Frankly I can feel your pain from every single word you said over the phone. It broke my heart listening to you in this condition, I didn’t know what to do, the only I could think of was to get help from Paan, maybe he could do something about this. We hung up and I called Paan who was rostered in Selayang Hospital on that Monday. He asked to come over, if it turns out to be kidney stone, Urology service is available in this hospital. She came in the evening but later was sent home.

Two days later you called me again complaining about the persistent pain on your back and side. This time I called Paan again who was furious when finding out you were sent home that night, he thought you were admitted, from what I gathered you should’ve been admitted that night. Paan later called me and asked you to come back to Emergency department. Thankfully Ina and Ezhar were available and kind enough to bring you over to the hospital that night, as Das was still at work. This time I was there. I saw how you pretended to be calm and tried to stay still despite the pain that made you restless and constantly moved around. How I wish I had something to keep the pain away. You were in pain and the most I could do was to ask you be strong and patient. I felt useless. Paan came and things got moved quickly. You got a bed to lie down on rather than writhing in pain on a chair. Finally a painkiller jab was given to you and you slowly fades away in slumber. I remembered you told me, sleeping was hard these past few days as you were constantly in pain. I didn’t want to wake you and I went to get some bread and water for you. When I came back you were gone. You were taken up to the ward and I went to see you. I never saw you looking really anxious before and you told me you were worried. This was the first time you were ever been warded. I gave you a hug and told you that everything will be fine, “you are in good hands now” I said and I really believed these words. You smiled and I left.

​You had some tests done and went home later next week, but you still had the pain. Your appointment was in 3 weeks,in August, but you had a session with a dietician and diabetic clinic on 24th of July. I came to see you and you looked weary and exhausted. You said you had no appetite to eat and worried about what exactly was going on with you. The pain somehow only went away went you took the painkiller but back again when its therapeutic effect wore off. You looked loss at times and anxious most of the time. I just felt something not quite right, and again I reached for Paan. Told him the situation, about your pain and the far-off appointment date. He obliged and next thing I know you said you back in the ward but things were bad as your kidneys were damaged. Somehow with the pain and poor food and fluid intake had taken their tolls on your kidneys. You needed dialysis. I was scared hearing this, but it occurred to me if this was scary to me it must have been at least 100 times worse to you, I must be strong for you, I had to. I saw you handling this with confusion and acceptance. You had put up with the pain and all that came with it for all this time. Now it has gotten worse. It dawned on me that what exactly was happening to you. I didn’t think it was just kidney stone.

​A few days later you told me that you were going for a procedure. I was shocked, “What now” I asked myself. Apparently something blocking your kidneys and tubes would be put into your swollen kidneys through the skin. It went smoothly and there was only 1 tube, which came from the right kidney. You told me the doctor managed to put an internal tube into the left one so it wouldn’t need outside drainage. You said that you needed to go for another one for the right next week. I still wondered what was going on with you but I was scared to ask. I kept that thought to myself. Maybe not now.

​You told me your kidneys are getting better and more procedures would be done once your kidneys are better. I was scared to ask what was the procedures and why did you need to go for it. Until one day a doctor came and explained everything to you and your husband. Your mother was there too. I was right outside the curtain which was pulled around the bed for some privacy. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but the voice managed to find its way to my ear. I heard it. I heard the word possible cancer mentioned. My heart stopped and I felt like vomiting. I couldn’t believe it. How was it possible. I came to see you in the ward whenever I could. Somehow with work and things going on in my life, I couldn’t make it over to see you. I knew how much you could use some company at time like this. At night I just gazed outside the window of my condominium which is just across the hospital. Knowing you were there.

​Things were crazy with my life that week. I didn’t get to visit you but your husband kept on updated me about your condition. You were going for the procedure for your kidney. As always I prayed for it to go on smoothly like before. The next day, I texted Das, your husband to find out how you were. He told me you were in ICU since the procedure. I was shocked and wondered what had happened. I went there that very evening and I felt like my heart was crushed from within seeing you there, lying still with tube in your mouth. Wires and tubes all over you. You were asleep. I refused to believe that was you. There was this part of me that believed that I was in some kind of a nightmare that I had to wake up soon. But as much as I wanted that to be true, it was happening, that was you lying still on that bed. At that moment, the doctor came and told me and Das about your condition. She broke the news that you were in critical condition. Your prognosis was very grave, things were not looking good and you were very ill. She advised us to inform your family and friends. I was in total shock, I didn’t get it, what happened? You were okay a few days ago. Das seemed confused, like he didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. I didn’t blame him for having difficulty in grasping the reality of this news. I explained to him again just to make sure he really gets it. At that moment he froze, then he cried, and I cried. I couldn’t believe all this, the possibility that we were going to lose you, forever.

​I went out and called Paan, he was confused, mad and curious all the same time. He told me to hang up and he was going to make some calls. Paan called me back and told me that you were very, very  sick and the chance that you would pull through was slim. Reality hit me big time when hearing this from him. Paan said that he was on his way. Das went home to your family, he said he would like to break this news in person. I knew he needed to get out. So did I.

​Paan came that evening and after talking to the doctor who was looking after you in ICU, he called up all your family members. Everyone except your mother was listening to him. He told us that you didn’t have much time and you were very sick. Your kidneys and heart were failing and they tried as much as they can to keep you with us. Despite all their efforts, it seemed that your body was tired and started to give up. And it hit me like a brick to my chest when he said that they were letting your friends and family to see you inside, 2 at a time to say “goodbye”. I was crushed.

​It was my turn to go in to see you. Truth be told, I never imagined that I had to this at all and to do this to you was beyond my worst nightmare. I was not ready to say goodbye. I had this dream that you would come out of the hospital like in a few weeks time and we would go for a quick trip away from here to chill and relax. Not this, not like this. I walked in with Bina, both of us held onto each other and we took as short steps as we could, we were scared and we were sad. We were not ready for this, for goodbye. We finally got to your bed. You were there lying on the bed, unconscious, wires and machines were everywhere. The rapid beeping sounds filled up the air, it was the sound of heartbeat. It was fast. I tried talking to you but I choked, tears fell from my eyes and I was filled with this colossal feeling of loss and fear and sadness beyond words to describe. I whispered “I missed you already, very much”.

​I felt drained after that emotional goodbye, thankfully all of our good friends were there, I found solace in their company. Hasry, Lieza, Bina, Ina, Ezhar and Epul were there, they came as soon as they heard the news. Sadly Shay can't come. We finally found our way home later that night and at 6:58am on 17August 2017, I got a call from Paan, telling me that you were gone, forever at 6:56 am. I have lost one of my best friends forever. I didn’t realize that I was crying in silence trying to believe what I just heard.

​You were taken too soon, but I was glad that we got to spend time together these past few weeks, not knowing that these were your last weeks with us. Our laughs, our jokes and our stories were our last. Your husband was with you the whole time you were there and I never seen anyone so loving, so dedicated and patient in taking care of anyone ever. He was an epitome of  “in health and in sickness” vow and I was happy and glad that he was with you, taking care of you.  I will never forget you my best friend, Raja Nurasyikin binti Raja Sulaiman. I will cherish every single moment we spent together and thank you for allowing me to be apart of your life. I am forever grateful for that. Even though now you are no longer with us, I pray that you are in a better place, among the solihin under the grace of Allah waiting for your place in Jannah – Ameen and Al-fatihah.

Ed Eron